I am here!!!

Wow, how time is flying. I cannot believe it has been over two weeks already. I really don't even know where to start seeing I was updating almost daily, and now it has been two weeks. Y'all probably thought I fell off the earth...or am just overly sleep deprived (BINGO!!).

So we will start at the beginning.

JW was born on the 8th of October. Labor seemed simple (now that I look back on it), but during was not so fun. Man, those contractions can really get to you after 6 hours or so. After the epidural was in...ahhh, what a relief. Something about cringing every 5 minutes and trying to relax and breath non stop that just exhausts you. It was nice to be able to relax a bit, even though I didn't get much rest. As my previous post noted...I almost had to have a C-section. The doctor was one step away from booking the room when I asked if I could push. "Sure" 20 minutes later JW was born. Seems like forever ago but on the same note, like it was yesterday.

This labor and recovery was so much different for some reason. I didn't feel like I was in a constant haze like I was with Miss J. I kind of knew how things were supposed to go after the birth...how often to feed, how long we would be there (or so I thought), how many nurses would be poking and prodding me making sure my bum was OK...etc. I was actually able to relax. Until they did the bilirubin test the day we were supposed to go home and said his numbers were really high (16) and that we needed to stay at least a day and he had to be under the bili lights 24-7 until his numbers came down. I kind of knew how important and urgent this was, seeing we went through it with Miss J...so I requested the incubator and lights be put into my room so I could be sure to nurse him every 2 hours to push the fluids through him.

I was so diligent to get his numbers down, I was nursing what seemed like ALL the time. He is such a snacker, so he would take almost an hour to feed, then it would be another hour and I had to feed him again. I was also pumping after I fed him and then supplementing as needed. So really, I wouldn't say I even had an hour in between to rest. I felt like a human cow for a couple of days. Unfortunately, the next day his numbers went up to 19. Yeah, not good seeing 20 is really high risk (for a 3-day old). So we had to stay another day. I was officially discharged as of Friday, but since he wasn't, I was able to stay there in a hospitality room. Really, the same room I was in, though I didn't get meals or nurse visits. It was kind of like staying in a hotel.

It was an interesting couple of days. Not only dealing with lack of sleep, but lack of trust in some of the nurses/docs came along with this extra time. Long story, but we really had to put our foot down a couple of times, risking feeling like nagging parents, but that is what we were, parents, who were very on top of what was going on with their son and wasn't about to let something slip and end up being there too long or have his bilirubin numbers not go down because some flippant nurse who decided to keep him out of the incubator/lights for more than an hour even though that is the "rule of thumb" they told me to follow. Ugh...the struggle we went through to get him tested every 6 hours, and be sure they followed through...at least there were a few good nurses who encouraged us and reminded us that we are his parents and we should not feel bad for trying to do what is best for him.

Finally, Saturday night, his numbers came down to 14. The encouraging nurse told us there should be no reason we shouldn't be going home on Sunday. Wheww...until Sunday came. The neo-natal doc that was treating him, told us Sunday morning (after he was tested again and his numbers were still at 14), that he would like us to stay until 4pm, just to be sure he was OK. I freaked out. I literally broke down crying in the hallway. Not only was I sleep deprived, but I had been in this hospital for 5 days now, was going batty, and really wanted to be home in my bed, and be able to spend some time with my new family before my DH had to go back to work on Monday. Originally we would have had all weekend to adjust and have family of 4 time...but that didn't work out so well. So, I broke down and said I really wanted to go home that morning. He said "OK, you can leave as soon as you want to." Uh, that is all it took huh, a couple of tears!!

We finally got JW discharged around 1pm after his next test came back and showed he was down to 12 which was medium risk but OK to head home. I felt better knowing that his numbers continued to come down after I had used my feminine power to override the docs decision!!

So we were finally headed home. Family came over that afternoon/evening and we all hung out. I mainly spend the afternoon trying to tie up loose ends and clean some stuff up that hadn't been done before we left for the hospital, 5-days AGO!!! I tried to get my bearings back on what needed to be addressed next. Had to check on some bills, check in with work and let them know what was going on, oh...lots of stuff to put on a list.

And I feel like I am still doing those things. Making that list and not checking anything off. Wow...I forgot what the first few weeks of a newborn felt like!! Not to mention also having a 2-year old and a husband who left for work every morning at 7am. I am beat. I am tired. I think I have a bit of the blues just starting. I feel like I will never make any progress or get ahead of the curve. If I take a day to nap and relax, the dishes don't get done or the dinner doesn't get made, or Miss J won't get off to school or get picked up from school on time...you name it, I feel like I am never making any progress.

I know, it has only been a couple of weeks. I know I am putting too much pressure on myself to get back into the swing of things or even to make a new routine habit so soon. I know I need to ask for more help from DH. I know, I know, I know. But I am still sensitive. To the remarks, to the expectations (that I obviously put on myself), to the list of stuff to complete.

The past couple of weeks my mom has been coming to pick up Miss J and take her to school every morning. This morning was my first morning really doing it on my own. Ahh, I had such a breakdown. I felt like I made 25 trips back and forth in the house because I forgot JW's hat, or needed to get my shoes, or had to do something else...then JW was fussing and spitting up as we were walking out the door. I barely got Miss J to school by 9am. I really don't know how I am going to do this. How the heck do you ladies do it with two or more kids. Where do you find the patience and grace and mental stability to get through a day much less a morning? I feel like it is never-ending right now.

I do have faith that we will find a routine. That JW will get on a good eating regime, that our mornings/days will be a little more predictable, that I will start sleeping more than 3 hours at a stretch, that DH will pick up some on his end and help out more, that I will get back to blogging more often, that our finances will balance out, that the going back to work full time will flow by the time I go back. I do have faith, it just seems so fuzzy right now. Getting better, very slowly, but still fuzzy.

On a positive note...we are so very blessed with a healthy baby boy who really has the best temperament. Not too fussy, nursing OK, sleeping well, and pooping like a champ. We like to call him rootin poopin Jack. I think I change more poopy diapers than I do wet ones!! Not to mention he is definitely a BOY! That grunting and groaning...all the time!! Miss J was such a girl, then there is JW who grunts and farts and poops and groans...I wouldn't have believed it. But I love it. He is such a polar opposite from Miss J. In terms of looks and boy vs girl stuff. But temperament seems about the same. We were blessed with Miss J being such a good baby, and so far JW seems to be following the same path. So really, I should not complain. What I am going through is so very normal (I know), but just going through it makes you feel like it isn't!

I will survive, I know I will. Day by day, things will fall into place and a routine will being. No doubt. Just getting anxious for that to happen sooner than later.

Thanks to you all for your well wishes and prayers. I have not even begun to catch up on anyone elses blog, and may not be able to for another couple of days. So if there is anything going on that I should know about, or be praying about, please leave me a comment and I will be sure to check out your or their blog!

Here are a couple of pics in the meantime!