More complaining...beware!

I don't know where to even start with all of this, but I am overwhelmed right now with these feelings of fear and discomfort and failure.

DH has really been working hard at this new job. He has been waking up every morning with a smile on his face, ready to face a NEW day, not dwelling on yesterday. Happy to see me and Miss J each night (the nights he gets home before she is in bed). Really, we don't get much of a chance to really "talk" as each days seems to flow into the next and it seems like all we do is sleep, get up for work, work, come home, and sleep again. Vicious cycle, that I knew might happen, but hoped for only a small period of time until things settled in at his job, he got a real schedule and pay plan, then we could "adjust".

But that is only a small portion of my stress. I am feeling so much stress FOR him. He is the one dealing with these imbeciles, but I just cannot help but take it personally when they demean him or tell him "he has to get his numbers up or we will have to fire you". WTFudge is that all about. He has been there 3-weeks? And what kind of "threat" is that. This place is all about the negative reinforcement. They tell you how badly you are doing, threaten you with your job, all in hopes that you will work harder. Uh, hello, newsflash, that technique really doesn't work on the majority of us. It usually only discourages and belittles you into feeling like a pathetic loser, especially in this economy and when you are working as hard as you can.

So that was Tuesday when his manager "B" (not really a manager but the best thing they could come up with because he has been there the longest) told him he "had to get his numbers up." Today, I guess he went to lunch with said manager, and he was told that actually, "B" was told to fire DH this week because of the "numbers" thing. And the guy who told him to fire DH, was the hiring director...whom was so enthralled with DH and told him all this great stuff about the company and how he had 100's of resumes and he only interviewed 3 people and DH was his top candidate and really was excited to get him on board. He wanted him to start the next day he was so anxious to get DH on board. What a load of horse doo doo.

This company and management is a load of horse doo doo.

So DH tells me this today, and I can't help be be depressed for him. I mean, if that was you wouldn't you feel like a pathetic load of horse doo doo and that you really don't amount to much, especially after how highly the director praised you and wanted to get you in the door, and not 3-weeks later is trying to hustle you out. What the heck is that???

There are so many more depressing things I could tell you about the management and workers and company...but I don't want to bring you down with me.

The funny thing, DH was laughing about it and seemed to have a pretty high head about it. I, on the other hand, just want to cry. Not only because I feel so bad for DH having to work so hard, at a crap hole, miss family time, not know if he is going to be home at a decent hour each day or have to work 6-days or the weekend, drive 2-hours every day, all for a measly $$ that he cannot even get a flipping pay plan agreement from them; but he feels under pressure to do all this because we are now officially living off of my salary (we had savings we were able to use for awhile) and my salary just isn't cutting it so he has to start bringing in some decent and regular money. It was his decision to go back to the automotive industry and deal with these lying and cheating jerks and work his butt off because he wanted to bring in a high salary so we could get back on our feet quickly and bring the water level ($$) up above our heads quickly. I on the other hand was all for the slow steady flow of $$, just to get us by in the meantime so that we could all keep our sanity.

Oh, heck. I don't know anymore. But it is beginning to wear on me. I can feel it daily and you have probably seen a bit of it in my posts. The days I don't post are better, not miserable, but better, but still not at the level where we were a month ago.

So what do we do? What does DH do? He still has his resume out there and has tomorrow off to do some more job searching, but really, for what, for another automotive job where they are going to screw him and take advantage of him? I don't get it. I so see him going in a different direction career wise, but I guess he doesn't see that...anymore. He did at one time, but I honestly think because it didn't make him the $$ really quickly, he got turned off. Your own business doesn't start at this high 100K salary right away. You have to work at it, and hard at it, and maybe struggle for awhile. That was the direction I was willing to go a year or so ago...but he lost interest or something. I don't know. But now what?

Oh, I so need a night with us, just him and I out to dinner, to really talk about where this is going and what needs to be done to get our heads just at that water level. Really, that is what I would be happy with right now. Because most likely that means he would have time with Miss J again, that he would have time with me again, that he wouldn't just eat and sleep and work. That could mean we could take her out of daycare for a couple of days to save money and he could watch her. I don't know, I have all of these possibilities in my head that make so much sense, but I just don't know where his head is.

Actually, I should be asking where God's head is? I have been though, and asking Him to talk to DH and tell him His plan. Guide him down the path that He desires. What is best for him, for our family, for our sanity. I have been praying over DH every (early) morning when I wake up and can't get back to sleep. I pray this every night before I go to sleep. I pray it on my way to work.

Hear my prayers Lord, we really need your help and your guidance and your deliverance in this situation we are under. Please let us hear your word and work together as a bride and groom should, as a couple, as an alliance, to bring all of this back to order. I feel so out of order, bring us back Lord.

Sorry I unloaded, and much of it probably didn't make much sense. I mean, I know there are so many people out there going through so much more difficult things in their lives and have been perplexed with them all of their lives, and here I am this little measly girl complaining about this one little thing that is like a blip in our lives and will probably be over next week and then we will be on to something else (like Miss J's temper tantrums). Ugh, but I feel better getting it out and sharing it and praying about it openly.

I have a women's teaching class at church tonight. I am so tempted to skip it to have dinner with DH since Miss J is spending the night at grandmas...but I have been waiting on this class for months now and it only goes for 4-weeks and I think I really need it. Maybe we can do dinner tomorrow night...ugh...I don't know. I do know I have to get a pedicure tonight though...I can no longer bend over to paint my own toes. I still have a gift certificate to use, so I am not spending any unnecessary $$. So that is a little pampering I will appreciate.

Thanks for reading this sappy and depressing post. I will try to post again soon so I can get this off the top of my blog so as not to bring anyone else down with me...it will get better...I know...this is just the storm before the calm...