Vent 101

Yea...I need to vent and get out all the crazies in my head.

First off...I took a wellness day yesterday. I just couldn't handle it any more, all the things NOT going right in the morning, the lack of sleep, the lack of being able to focus even the tiny bit on me, the crying, the whining, the piles of stuff, the unfinished, uncleaned things...ugh...I just had to call into work and take a day.

But...a day to do what. I mean really, if I went home I would only be stricken with the feeling to clean up and catch up on all the piles of stuff there, and that wouldn't be very therapeutic for someone who just needed a day to do something for herself. I could maybe go home and sleep...but don't think that would happen with all the piles of stuff that needed to be done and cleaning that needed to be caught up on.

So, what would I do. I mean really, what do I like to do? Do I even remember what I enjoy?

Well, sleep, of course, but already nixed that one.

Massage? Nope, can't afford $50+ with needing to put both kids in daycare full time next month and not to mention needless Christmas gifts that need to be bought (or cash sent...will expand on later) for family.

Pedicure? Nope, don't really need one in the winter plus don't feel like shelling out even $20 on that one.

Sitting in the sun on my hammock...you can already guess that wouldn't happen with the cold snow/rain we got yesterday.

Book store...well, at first this didn't sound too appealing, because again, too taxing and I would probably only look up books on how to discipline my 2yr old or what is colic...really. Plus, I couldn't really buy any of those books (I could if I REALLY found something...but didn't need to buy more needless stuff for me so close to Christmas).

So as I am contemplating what to do with my day...I got stopped by a train...and a long coal train. So, I turned around and went to Barnes*And*Noble after all. I talked myself into finding some interesting books and having a peppermint mocha and scone and just sitting and relaxing. And boy...after two hours I completely forgot what a messed up crazy morning I had. I read an entire book on colic...very interesting...gave me some things to keep my eye out for with regards to acid reflux and milk protein allergies.

I didn't get to read the other books I had pulled out, and since I was feeling pretty "full" and needed to pump pretty soon, I decided to go home and rest for a few hours. And I actually did rest a bit...then felt overwhelmed with everything that needed to get done around the house and tried to do some of the quick and easy things.

Overall, I am glad I took the day. Still didn't feel like it was much for "me". But, at least I had forgotten all the stupid things that went wrong in the morning and felt a bit refreshed.

So that got me questioning some things about me. Like, do I give too much of myself, or come off with this attitude that I can do it all myself and don't need any help nor do I need some me time. Do I not ask for help enough? Am I just so selfless that I forget about myself and things I like to do just for me? Or really, since I am now married and have kids is that something that becomes a family thing. Like, all the things that you do you really end up doing for your family?

I get sad sometimes when I realize I am the one holding the house together, keeping it in order, buying all the groceries, cooking all the meals, paying the bills, realizing our bank account is at $4.00, buying all the Christmas gifts, sending out all the Christmas gift ideas to our family, buying the holiday cards, printing out pictures, wrapping everything...all of us ladies seem to go through this feeling of being overwhelmed and p-oed at our sig other at certain times. And it is usually when there are too many things for you to do all by yourself, at which point you realize you can't do it all yourself and you feel bad having to ask your hubby/family for help and feel like a nagger.

So, I am there. Whether it be the bills. The bank account. The Christmas presents...which leads me to the first of the vents today...

Dear DH,
I came home from work on Monday to find a couple of boxes at the front door. I thought...wow, those Christmas cards I ordered last week sure came fast, then I wondered if maybe it was an early gift from Aunt D for the kids. Then I went to pick them up to take them inside. Ugh...heavy. Well, these couldn't be the cards we ordered at which point I noticed your name on them. And when I remembered to tell you that you had a couple of boxes delivered and they were in the garage...I wondered why you didn't voluntarily offer to tell me what they were. So, when I asked you informed me they were some boxes of ammunition that you ordered (on sale of course). Uh, why would you order two big boxes of ammunition...you don't go shooting that often. I know you really enjoyed yourself the last time you went with your boss after work (while I was home going nuts and crazy with a colicky baby and demanding 2yr old)...and I know I told you to go because I knew you would enjoy yourself...but really, you decided that warranted going out and buying that much ammunition? And when I asked you how much it was (because remember, it was on sale), you said $125 or so. Waaaa...did you not see the tuition bill for the now two kids in school? Did you not see the month on the calendar and think...hmmm, maybe we should use that $125 for Christmas gifts for your deranged family? Nope...I guess that just means I don't have to buy you a gift this year...and you better be thinking of a nice one for me!!

Love,
Your loving wife

Dear deranged family of my husband,
Why is it every year we do the same thing? We say it is going to be a simple Christmas (and we say we aren't going to spend hours upon hours opening Christmas presents into the wee hours of the morning). Why is it that we pick out "secret santa" names, but everyone know who they have and who has them. Then we email to exchange gift ideas...only to find out that the other person just wants a gift card. Or better yet, they have already purchased a gift they want (or will be in the next week) and that you can just write them a check for the amount of the gift, they will wrap it, and bring it to Christmas. Really...does that make any sense what so ever? Why even bother with the gift giving or "secret santa" idea if we are just going to buy our own darn present. Next year, I won't bother putting together a list of things that I could buy on my own, but wait to buy until I see if someone else has gotten them for me for Christmas. I will just buy them myself and ask for money!!

Love,
Your all to logical in-law!

My dearest mother,
I really wonder sometimes if I am really your daughter after all? I know at one time I was, because everything you do and whine about and complain about...used to be me. I used to complain and whine to get attention. I used to dilly dally and take forever to shop in Wal*mart when I just went in there to get a gallon of milk and end up with over $100 in stuff...then end up returning (or meaning to return) half of it. I used to worry about what people thought of me or what people would think of my gifts to them...and obsess so much to the point of making myself so sick and then complain that Christmas was too much and I don't understand why there is so much commercialism. But one thing I really don't get...is how the heck you function in this society (I think you wonder too). I mean, those credit card scanners at stores have been around for way to many years for you not to know how to use one...or at least not look like you are an alien from another planet when you ask "where do I put my card?" and then complain that "these things are just too darn confusing." Or when you are buying something for $100 and you are asked if you want to save 10% by opening a credit card...you don't just automatically say "NO." That you would actually consider (because you left your ID in the car) cancelling the order, going out to the car to get your ID, coming back into the store, waiting in line again, ringing it all up, filling out the info, all with the possibility that you may or may not get approved which would determine if you get the 10% off...and all of that to save $10. REALLY lady...$10 is worth that much to you and of your time. Oh, and that line "well, back when we grew up $10 was worth a lot to us." Spare me!! Lets just stick to the oranges and chocolate coins for Christmas and spare us the hassle of having to pull teeth to come up with a gift for you, that you will only tell us over and over again that you didn't need or that it was too much! I am all for that!

Love,
Your pseudo-daughter

And those are just a couple of the crazy people in my life right now. I could go on and on about how I wish we could just have a dinner or breakfast together as family rather that do this big hoopla with all of the presents. Really, do I need anything more than what I could already go out and buy for myself if I really wanted to? Or better yet, take that $100 you were going to spend on me and give it to the local shelter or food pantry. I don't need anything...and then to tell me that "Oh, you do need something...or you will need something in the coming months...so come on, what do you need!" Or, when I tell you that I am having a hard time thinking of gifts for the kids and that they could really use some clothes, you tell me "Oh, clothes are no fun to get at Christmas!" Well, then MIL, YOU come up with something on your own!!!

Ugh...I really hope every Christmas that this crap would end, or that I would be able to rise above it all and get through it sans stress!! Right!!

So, you tell me, you think I needed a much overdo wellness day?

Whew...that feels better. Now that it is off my chest, I can focus on the real reason for the season and try to come up with creative/cheap ways to give meaningful gifts at Christmas!