Make me Smile :-)

I had to post something that would make me smile...

Every morning, as I am going through my daily routine (shower, lotion, blow dry hair, etc.) Miss J plays in the room around my feet, with the dog, with her toys, with the blow dryer (we try not to let her, but she always seems to find it). Then, as soon as she sees me start to put on my makeup, she stops whatever she is doing and starts to fuss. She starts to cry. Crawls over to me. Hangs on my leg. Jumps up and down. And I have come to learn what this means.

She wants to do makeup with me.

So, I have started to add to my routine. I will now sit down on the bedroom floor (yes, I get ready in the bedroom since the bathroom is way to small...next house :-)), with the makeup bag, and give her a few pieces to play with. I will give her the pink eyeshadow (that I have not worn in ages). I will hand her the purple eyeliner (which again, haven't worn in ages). She then pulls out the extra mascara and blush brush that I have in there. And she proceeds to put on makeup with me.

Yes, she is not even a year old and already is desiring to put on makeup like mama.

It is too darn cute. She even goes as far as to put the blush brush up to her cheek like she is putting it on. It blows my mind every morning. I have to take a picture of it because I honestly don't think anyone would believe me.

And for awhile, I just thought it was a one time thing where the next day she would be to pre-occupied with the dog to even notice that I was at that step in my morning routine. Like clockwork, though, she sees me pull out my bag and she is running over to my leg to try to crawl up to help me.

It is the little things like that, that I am thankful and grateful for...until she is 5 years old and wants to wear makeup every day to school and to the grocery store. Ugh.

On a more serious note...tried to talk to DH last night. Not much luck. I think we were both still to frustrated and pissed off at what happened to talk civilly. So we yelled a bit, then went on to do our own things and went to bed.

I told him this morning that I hoped we could talk more civilly tonight...he said he agreed. And when I talked to him on the phone today, he confessed that he is really upset with himself for agreeing on the settlement that he did and that he is angry that he didn't think it through more thoroughly. So, that explains a lot of what I was trying to understand. Rather than him telling me he made a mistake and didn't know what he was thinking, he tried to come up with some sort of story that made it sound like the decision he made was the best one and that it did make sense. I couldn't grasp it...and I kept bugging him...and he kept getting defensive, hence the reason we couldn't talk the past two nights without getting pissed off at each other.

I know that God has a plan for us. I know that this is truly a blessing. But when I look at the numbers in terms of money and incoming/outgoing, it scares me. I start going down the road of what happens when we run out of that money, and bankruptcy, and more debt, and god-forbid divorce (only because losing a job is one of the main strains that cause a marriage to fail). Ugh...it scares the bejesius out of me.

When this happened in the past, I had so much faith. I knew things would be OK. We would work through it. He would get another job. We could survive, the two of us, on whatever we needed to. We could cut back here, use this savings, use this surplus...but now, we have Jos. We have someone completely dependent on US, on US providing food, diapers, day care, a warm place to sleep. It is one thing if we had to go a night without dinner or go to the food pantry, or scrounge the back of the cupboard for a can of corn (not that it ever got to that point...but it very well could have). But, to think of our baby girl going a night without dinner blows my mind. It is a completely different boat now with a baby girl in the picture.

I need to give it up. Give it all to God and have faith that he will provide. That this is a test of our faith and strength. That this step will make us stronger in our faith and marriage.

I think you girls are right, that the reason he seemed so non-chalant about it was because he had faith that we would be OK. And I think I resented him for that when I should have followed him.

Learning curve...I will work on that. I will work on looking up to the sky rather than looking at the numbers on a piece of paper. I will work on putting my faith in the all knowing God and not in the (negative) dollar amount that I foresee showing up in our bank account. In everything I do, I will do it for the glory of God, for He will provide. I have not doubt.

Thank you, girls, for your wonderful words of encouragement and prayers. This is really a tough one for me. And I don't think I would have seen the light as soon as I did without all of you. Thank you!!