Out of Control...In Control

Wow, where had the year gone? By fast....

As every year, I have an emotional and up and down Christmas season. As much as we try to mellow it down and keep it normal...doesn't happen. Though, I find it funny, I think a LOT of families find themselves in the same boat.

Christmas this year was spent with one less person with my husbands side of the family. Nani passed away in August this year...peacefully in her sleep (oh how I wish everyone had that option). We usually do Christmas at her home, with everyone running around getting all the food and everything prepared (because she insisted on having a few specific things, like stuffed shells, though she had a difficult time preparing them herself). So all her three daughters would rally up and help. This always caused a lot of tension in the house, whether it was due to guilt trips or the feeling of obligation or just plain family history...I always used to drink to by pass it! And it wasn't even my immediate family!!

This year, we were at one of the Aunt's house for Christmas day, sans Nani, and sans one of the other Aunt/Uncle/Cousin's that couldn't make it out from the west coast. So it was small, and quiet, and what I felt was quite relaxed. Plus, now that our kids are a bit older, we don't have to watch them as much, which is a relief and we can actually socialize a bit.

On the other hand, my mother seemed to be the cause of some stress this year, not being able to narrow down a time to do Christmas with her and her husband. I think she gets really stressed out and strung out with trying to do too many things and then gets immobilzed and can't make any decisions until last minute, which by that time we have scheduled things and have a hard time fitting anything else in. Oh, the life and times of family!

I am sure many of you have stories galore of family and Christmas and the tension and stress that goes on. As I am sure many of you have the opposite too, which if so, you are truly blessed. I know my family woes are so much less than what others tend with year after year, and not always just around the holidays.

Yesterday we (her Auntie and I) took JP to see Tan*gled at the theater while Nana and one of the cousins and Aunts watched the spit fire. We did this last year and it was a great treat for JP. She doesn't do big screen movies too well, I think the emotional overdrive is a bit much for her heart as it goes up and down and she doesn't quite get the gist of how to name her feelings she is feeling and control them a little. Whenever a scene comes on that is chasing or running, she gets scared and wants to leave. We didn't make it through TS3 because of this. But she is learning. She was happy she sat through the end.

Yesterday, I also had a very tough talk with a girl from my small group. Ugh...don't know where to start, but I can tell you where it led me...to think a LOT about my life, where I am at, the day after day routine that I find myself in. The words I think I was using last night, as I mulled over this, was Out of Control.

Two full time working parents, with stressful and sometimes unsatisfing jobs.
Two toddlers going full stream, constantly looking for their boundaries and seeing how far they can push their limits.
Money that never seems to balance and never is where we need it.
A house that often feels too small, too out of date, too disorganized.
Leading a small group of mom's, who are all SAH, and constantly looking for their boundaries too.
Feeling like I am never doing enough...cleaning, volunteering, working on my career, raising my kids right, playing enough with my kids, having fun, time with myself to reflect, quality time with my DH, keeping up with finances and bills and appointments.

Ahhhh, I could go on. And I know that we all, as moms, feel this. Especially if you have more than one child and especially if you work outside the home. The thing is, I think I have become complacent. And once I get there, I find it hard to break out of the mold and start a new routine.

I come home at night, ready to face the night of dinner, dishes, kids, husband, paying bills, ect...to find that the kids zap my energy immeditately. By 8:30 when they are going to be, I too want to go to bed or pass out on the couch which I usually do. Then get up the next morning at 5am to conquer the day again, same routine, same end to the day...passed out on the couch.

Meanwhile things pile up. Papers that need to be filed, kids projects that need to be put somewhere, kids toys that need to be put away, laundry, dishes, bills...

That only adds to not wanting to start anything, the pile looks so overwhelming that I don't want to even start it. So where do I start?

I have tried small things, like making sure the dishes are done every night so I can walk into a clean kitchen. Or making sure JP helps put her laundry away or keeps up with her toys/dolls/etc. That alone is a task in itself...not only do I need to keep my life and stuff in order, but I also have to keep the kids' in order too.

But the piles still build. I often blame it on the way the house is designed, the way we don't really have an office or proper filing cabinets/shelves/bins for everything. We don't have a "play room", it is pretty much in our living room. The kids rooms are really, really small so they don't have a lot of space to organize or keep their stuff.

We don't have a lot of stuff, because of all this, but the stuff we do has seems to always be out of place.

And the organization skills that I try to instill seem so daunting and like just one more thing to add to my growing list of things. So I may try them for a bit, but then get overwhelmed and chuck it.

So I feel like I am at a turning point in this new year. I have the week off from work and the kids home with me. Tackle some projects to get caught up, and then try to create new habits and routines to keep up. Including chore charts that include my hubby and 4 year old. Including new rules to always clean up our rooms and put things away. Including simple dicipline routines like washing my face every night and tracking expenses each night (rather than waiting until the end of the week/month).

I welcome any tips or trades or websites on the best way to coral all this and get it organized. I don't want too much, but enough to make it a habit so then it isn't so daunting to keep up with it.

Control...that is my word of the New Year. Not control of someone, but control of my life, of the things in my life. Even to go as far as control of my eating, drinking, exercise (which immediately gets thrown out the door as soon as crisis appears).

In Control.
NOT Out of Control.

Here is hopeing for some clarity and orgnaization and discipline in my life, and here is hoping that flows over to my husband and kids and whole family!

I think I may try to begin using this blog again as a place to journal my thoughts. I think I get motivated when I do this, and it is easier to type them than write them out sometimes. So if any of you are still out there and still read the ancient blogs...then you may be in for some great reading (or exhausting reading, however you may look at it).

Hope you all had a great Christmas, and I wish you all a Happy and Blessed New Year!

LP