A sinful habit

So, I will admit it...I have a shopping habit. I never would have admitted that before, and I sure thought I had a bad shopping habit when I was single and had just gotten my first job (you know, all that new cash flow and living on your own...you were "entitled" to the stuff).

And I admit this in the midst of trying REALLY hard to budget and watch our $$ flow and only use cash or our debit cards and to only buy what we really need!! Haaa.

Now I know there are times when I go a little overboard with shopping (clothes, candles, kitchen stuff, gadgets), but those always seemed like well deserved trips. You know, you got a bonus, there is a big event coming up, or...just because you have been good for so long and you deserve it!!

Now, I KNOW that I am not alone in this (please, tell me I am not!!) I think everyone on a budget or with kids or that are just women struggle with this. I know women that go on huge shopping sprees then hide the bags in the trunk of their car and take them out little by little so that their husbands don't razz them for buying so much stuff. I am not one of those. And honestly, I really wouldn't consider myself one that had this habit. Because, you know, my shopping was always justified. I didn't hoard it or keep it from anyone. I didn't spend hundreds and hundreds - or even thousands - at one time (just over a couple of weeks!!). I would only go when I needed something new to replace something old, or something new to fit in, or for a new event...justified.

Until I started noticing that I would get that "high" from it. Just a little one, for a small moment...then maybe again when I used that item or wore it for the first time and got that "ata boy" comment from someone.

Then, I noticed it again when I tried to NOT shop. When I tried to use cash or a debit card. I noticed it wasn't as much fun, because I would see it come out of my account that day or I would no longer have that cash in my purse.

Now that bad habit sticks out like a thorn. Every time I buy something I really don't need, that thorn jabs me in the thumb...then another jab when I have to come home and show my husband what I bought...and then again when I wear it or use it and remember that I really didn't need it...it was just a desire...that I wanted at that moment...that now very small moment where I felt that woof of a "high". Yeah...that one.

Sucks.

Really sucks.

Because now I really have to figure out why I was doing what I was doing. That "sin thing", that thorn that is jabbing me. Ugh...I don't want to face it. I don't want to confess it. I don't want to give it up and turn it over to God.

I just want to SHOP...I want to have more money in my account so that I CAN shop and don't have to worry about the sin part of it. Yeah, because more money makes it better. Isn't that what society tells us?

More money.

More stuff.

More happiness!!!

Haaa, what a flipping joke!

Funny thing though...I am also realizing this about my eating habits. I hoard and hide and stuff my mouth so fast with that mmm mmm good stuff so that I don't have to think about it and ponder it and wonder why am I really desiring this stuff. Why am I wanting to eat all this crap food that is only making me feel horrible. Often, it is stress, anxiety, and those words of the devil telling me "you deserve it". Ugh...I am so keenly aware of this now...and it sucks!!

Another funny thing...this comes at a time when I just started a new small group and we are studying the book of 1John. And we are talking about sin and confession. Hmmm. And I had a heck of a time this past week on the study...wonder why.

Isn't that just like God though?