For awhile, I thought it was because DH was not spending enough time with God, listening for Him and His words and direction. So I prayed for that, and continue to pray for that. I keep watching for signs that might lead him/us to an answer...and nothing yet.
Time is getting short here. It is getting down to the wire again and I am getting a little nervous...probably just where He wants me to be. Down to the wire where all I can do is continue to hope and pray and put our faith in HIM.
That is probably the worst feeling and the hardest things to face when you are a Christian. Even if you have giving up everything to Him, that feeling of not having control, even the slightest bit.
You wait on Him, you pray, you listen, you hope, you give it all to him and have the most faith you have ever had because you can't see the future without Him and when you look at the future without Him, you see nothing.
You see hopelessness, you see breaking down of your life, of your relationships, of your future. You see nothing but darkness and hopelessness.
But with Him, you see a glimmer. Even if it is only a glimmer and only for a second, that keeps you going and gives you the ability to move onto the next day, and the next. But that constant worry keeps coming back...and you have to keep reminding yourself that it will be OK and have faith that He is in control and will provide.
That is the most difficult part about being a Christian for me (I am sure there are a lot worse things like persecution...). But it is a daily battle...and what doesn't kill us makes us stronger, right?
I just want this waiting to be over. I just want this worry and this tension on what direction DH should be going to be done with. I just wish there was this bright flash and everything got clear and we were back on track...back to paying off our debts, back to saving, back to being able to feel comfortable with our finances so we aren't watching every penny afraid to even go buy something as simple as shampoo this week, back to knowing that our future, with two children, was secure and not unsure, that our kitchen could be completed, or a new addition put on the house so we aren't living in such a tight space with clutter every where because there is no where to move it, that we could feel comfortable about taking a family vacation and not add to our debt problem.
Oh, the things I wish and pray for and worry about.
My heart is really heavy today. I am scared...again. I am down on myself. I am feeling closed in and suffocated by the piles and things to do and pay and complete. I know it is a phase, and most likely some hormones wrecking havoc too. I know that God is good and He will provide and take care of us. I know that...but again, when it gets down to the wire...you get scared and when things are unsure, you get scared looking at the facts.
But God is not about facts, He is about faith. And that is where we begin to grow as Christians. Knowing the difference and being able to build on that, one building block at a time.
Faith always makes me think of that Indiana Jones movie (I think it was the Last Crusade), but where he is running and he comes to this open chasm with a drop off and sees the entrance on the other side, but can't figure out how he is going to get to the other side. Then he hears this voice telling him to have faith (something like that). So he takes closes his eyes, takes a big step and lands on a ledge. Not sure what happened, he takes a few handfuls of gravel and throws them out in front of him, and by goodness, there is an invisible bridge between. And he continues to walk without any fear.
That is the image that comes to mind...I just need that faith (and that little bit of gravel to be sure) and I can cross another bridge.
7 comments:
Oh sweetie, I am so sorry. I know what you're talking about - being that close to the wire. It's a very scary and frustrating place to be. :o( I will continue to pray for your family. Hopefully (prayerfully) something will come up soon for your DH. Take care and continue to have faith.
We actually just had a message about this at church. That we have to stand on God's word and His promise to take care of us. They spoke about how it is much easier when things are great in our lives and very difficult when we are faced with bad and scary times. It is so good to hear about how strong your faith is. You would not be able to get through this without it. God will provide and you are right that it is hard that He knows the bigger picture and we don't. I will pray for you and your family. Your faith inspires me to continue to grow stonger in mine.
I so want the waiting, the worry, the stress, the confusion, to be OVER for you guys, too. I hope and pray that things change really soon, and that he gets a fantastic job! You are in my thoughts and prayers! I hate you are going through all of this.
I struggle so much leaving everything in His hands. Joyce is right, it is so easy to lift Him up when everything in our lives is wonderful, and it is so hard to do when we face hardships.
I will say a prayer that you are able to find comfort in Him and that He will lead your DH to a job.
Great analogy, I love that part in that movie.
You're exactly right, all you can do is have faith that God will see you through, and He will.
Still praying for you!
I'm sorry that things are tough right now. It is easy to tell you that God will provide, but it is a much more difficult thing to have to live through it. I will be praying!!!
I can tell you're really feeling down. I will be thinking about you guys and hoping that a direction for you is evident and soon. I am sure that with baby #2 approaching arrival it just makes things so much more scary. I know! Hang in there. God will provide.
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